within the ashes of my inner phoenix

I have an honest love affair with the gym, a place where I go to release the feelings I sometimes hold onto, outside of the incredible work out I give to myself..its a place I sweat my tears away, even if at times they are rolling out of my eyes, I still consider it eyeball sweat..its not that im actually afraid to cry because I do that terrifically well, its simply a place I take my inner baggage to and purge in a most healthy Marcie way once it has come to the surface to make peace with it..I used to do yoga for a while many years ago..this practice as beautiful as it was for me broke me down daily on my mat where I stayed in child pose and completely unraveled myself like a baby crying into my beloved mat..it took away all the borders leaving me exposed to the sensitivity that life was offering me at the time, defenseless without the inner and outer stamina I really needed that I couldn't achieve in this setting..but it was all in preparation for what I was about to endure and how the practice of yoga got me through a time I was hopeless, and how the gym became a rebirth of growth, physical, personal, and spiritual..I am a fully recovered poster child for upper spinal fusion due to 3 herniated discs from level c3 to c7..i have a sheet of titanium with 8 screw and bolts in my neck keeping the 4 levels together ..I have done everything I can and have followed the rules to maintain my spine from ever going through such trauma again..EVER..what started out 7 years ago as a pain in my shoulder and later led to an MRI of bad news that ultimately took me to surgery was the last thing I ever expected to go through..i was 39 for fuck sake..yoga and learning about my breath and inner strength is what got me through each moment I wanted to die because the pain was so bad and the pills I was popping was making me crazy and not sleeping for 2 months straight can make a person delirious..im not sure how exactly I got through that time when I was hopeless and weighted nothing..i was a female skeleton of a spiritless human simply holding on to the last threads I had to hold on to..but I never gave up..looking back, I truly believe I suffered from so much emotional trauma that it was the catalyst of happenings that the universe was giving to me..i was forced to start over like the phoenix rising from its ashes as i began to recover from my surgery..i had to look at myself the way I was and who I had become and figure out how to start to clean the inner demons and feel love inside myself that I tried to use others love to fill the void I never felt for myself..i had beaten myself up so much over my life span that finally somewhere inside it had had enough..I incorporated the motto of strong mind strong body, strong body strong mind and began to go to the gym religiously as my salvation where I was able to get strong..FUCKING strong..i started to cry at every work out purging the hate I had for myself and the hate I had for others..i started to forgive myself during my cardio and started to forgive and let go of those who pissed me off and hurt me and vise versa..slowly I started to fad away from those who were no longer fitting to the growth I was pursuing and I started to regroup myself..because of this beautiful work I started to do, a man showed up out of no where a year and a half into this rebirth, rekindling my heart from so many years before holding me in his heart of mine..i began to believe all this work wasnt for nothing and was gifted for all my strength and courage the absolute divine love of my life..my beloved Eran..don't ever be derailed from the work you have to do..it sucks balls but I tell you it made me have such an appreciation for everything I encountered..stop beating yourself up, stop polluting yourself with people their poison and the poison you participate in..sometimes it will display itself it ways you can not control..i no longer store emotional baggage and make the gym a place I love working out my shit in..there are always benefits to the work you do even if at this moment you can not physically see them, they are happening around you..be patient, loving and kind to yourself..breath deep like a yogi and be strong like a fighter..pain essentially is weakness leaving your body! peace love faith hope