why I chose to retire my party animal spirit <3

I used to be a partier back in my late teens all the way up to my 30s, almost to the point of what's now considered "binging"..i always seemed to want to extend the fun or in hindsight numb my pain which ever was more prominent in that specific moment or time in my life..For me, I could ride that fine line of having so much fun with a bottle of wine or my rolled up joint with friends escaping a truth I didn't have the tools to face..whats even more bizarre at the time was to believe I had felt so incredibly happy (that was false) and pathetic in a collected moment of my excessive wastedness all at the same time..I think for a lot of people who like to remain emotionally invisible or anonymous, it becomes more of a form of constructed denial hiding behind their substance of choice..I thinks its why I liked pot and wine so much in my younger years because one made me laugh till I cried and the other took me far away to a land where nobody could hurt me because I was numb..I think if I would have remained on this course of fuckupness, I would have been labeled a functioning alcoholic by the American medical standards, and a really FUN chick to hang out with by my friends and society..thats how crazy out of control the epidemic of drinking and partying is for so many people whether you want to acknowledge it or not..My unintentional clarity moment came when i became physically challenged with my severe neck problem that ultimately led me to need my neck (c3-c7) fused together..i was prescribed a cocktail of high end narcotics (thank god I didn't have an addiction problem) to take the pain away, which it never even touched because the kind of hell if found myself in required of me to feel (I believe) for the first time ever..what dawned on me during this time was no matter how many tick tack drugs I ate, I had to figure out a way to survive my pain..i would cry in childs pose alone for hours begging to save me from myself..i could  actually feel in my body all the pent up emotions start to exhume from the vault of self, transitioning to this physical pain and the only way out was to crawl back in..My years at yoga prior to my entering hell, taught me about my breath and the importance of finding it in any type of practice..this is essentially what saved me from my drugged up self and began the connection back to my spirit the moment the IV of morphine was pulled from my arm after surgery 2 months later..As much physical recovery pain I was in, I made a pact to get my mind body and soul back together and begin to feel myself as a part of my collective spirit..i began to cut ties and cords, letting go of the emotional baggage of other people beliefs and the beliefs I created because of it and the feelings and things that were only going to sabotage my inner work..I began to really get back into my spiritual practice that I had once abandon and begin to really sit with myself allowing my recovery to recover my spirit..my biggest hurdle was finding the courage to love myself enough to do it and be over selfish regardless of how others would respond..After retiring my party animal spirit, I discovered who was still going to invite me to hang even though I had chosen to go pretty clean..at gatherings, even now, i would be asked why i don't drink anymore as if that was a bad thing, enduring their conversation of why I should have a drink threw their sloppiness and slurred words thinking REALLY..I think for a lot of grown up adults its unusual to just give up that substance that makes you feel good just because..i think for many they cant understand or put together the connections as to why this type of binge drinking is actually slowly destroying themselves and the environment to which they need to be wasted in..i think for most, they don't want to see themselves with a problem but just a pure love for the party..Drink responsibly, don't put others in harms way because of your stupidity, teach your children good coping skills and not to believe you need to have a drink at the end of a "hard day", and if its begins to not feel so good, its because it isn't.. and remember don't be a hatter for a party pooper <3...peace love faith hope <3