My first real informative memory of opinion outside my home life was my being held back in 1st grade & the humiliation is suffered with the same first grade teacher & on the playground with my peers. I was teased, made fun of & called a lot of hurtful names for being stupid, retreating me to a place of make believe & isolation. They must have been true if my entire educational system believed this of me, handicapping my entire school experience from there on out. You would never know this now by meeting me today, what I had suffered from as a child.
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It saddens me deeply that this human infectious disease & infestation of HATRED is overpopulating this world more than any other virus on this planet. The numbers of this man made pathogen are frightening me more than any of the numbers associated with Mother Natures illnesses. If nature can have a cure for everything it produces, why aren't we as humans desperately trying to find the cure or remedy within our own twisted fucked up ways & eradicate what is ultimately killing all of us again & again over time.
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What I did instead was use this moment wisely for my highest good, really dissecting that box I believed I was once designed for no longer fits me emotionally, mentally, physically or spiritually. I think personally the biggest virus I chose to evade during this entire time & not become infected with is the memetic virus of the human mind. The last 3 months I have grossly watch it spread from person to person, contaminated by the outlets used to intentionally programed us with fear. It really makes me think about how I intend on conducting myself from here on out, stepping away even more from the things that are simply processed instead of organic.
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I always felt haunted in my own body by the ghostly feeling of these unresolved bleeding wounds of being given away. Even as a grown woman, I still needed & wanted answers that only she had the power to relinquish over me. What would make a mother want to give their child away was a very big question I had, especially becoming a mother of my own adding more emotions to wounds that would never seem to heal.
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I have suffered many forms of this abuse throughout my life, causing me to question the lack of love & self worth I once had. In some unconscious capacity, I believed I deserved to be treated in this destructive manner, being adopted, feeling so unlovable & not being able to actually see the marks of abuse upon my skin but rather feel them in the deepest places of my psyche. My earliest form of love came at the hands of my adopted narcissistic mother, so knowing any differently was never my option, till much later in life when I met my now husband.
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