The Gift In Self(ish)Care

Sometimes you have to be selfish (YOU READ THAT CORRECTLY) for your own self care preservation, which normally goes against the nature of most people upbringing regardless of how you were raised.  Im sure even the word SELFISH alone probably makes some, maybe even most people feel uncomfortable because of the negative connotation that surrounds it.

I grew up in a home where this word was commonly used to describe the children as an insulting noun & verb.  The childhood repercussions that came from being "selfish" taught me to become a non opinionated submissive yes person for the comfort of others, loosing myself in the process.  The damaging effects from this word alone had triggers that use to lead me into & participate with things that in hindsight I can't believe I even did to avoid conflict & punishment as a blowback.

Unknowingly I was groomed to be a living doormat, surrendering my own beliefs, feelings, thoughts & intuition in exchange for the life of an abusive narcissistic parent.  I took on this characteristic into my adulthood, without realizing that I actually had a voice in matters with the option of saying no.  The fear of confrontation alone became a crippling weakness, making it so much easier to disassociate myself than to become annihilated in fight.  I taught myself with pure rage how to transport into a makeshift state of peace without becoming exposed to others in the face of panic.  This is the shadow aspect of a Scorpio.

It wasn't until later in my adulthood with 2 divorces behind me that I began to not recognize the woman I had become & saw the flawed pattern of behavior I assumed. I had gone through major neck fusion surgery (c3-c7) which forced me to begin to take a stronger look at my entire life as a whole.  The physical decay of the discs in my neck had an emotional & spiritual component to the communication center of my body which was constantly being depleted by my choices in every day life.

For years upon years I avoided speaking my truth in relationships out of fear, creating a form of dis ease in my body that ended up manifesting a huge physical ailment.  Each part of our body has an emotional connection to the mechanical workings of our entire anatomy, generating physical problems out of the things we can not see but think & feel.  My body ended up suffering the constant emotional & mental abuse that I willingly swallowed daily from myself & others, taking on a life force all of its own.

This excruciatingly painful moment in my life ended up becoming my salvation & savior, forcing me to become really selfish for the fist time ever in my life.  This recovery enabled my self care routine which ironically forced me to have to reevaluate EVERYTHING & EVERYONE as I began to emotionally reawakened back into my authentic self.  I think I cried for a few months straight during this time, praying for clarity & purpose as I began to regain my physical strength.  This experience alone I believe was Divine Intervention that in hindsight became a gift.

Over time I began testing out personal boundaries & tried to assume the word NO in my vocabulary.  I started to pay closer attention my intuition & stopped participating in activities that numbed my pain as a way to escape a truth I now had the courage to face.  I had to learn how to love myself properly making myself a top priority, healing the attachment wounds that once conditioned the way I saw & felt about myself.  Over time I became empowered by my own individual self love that in the end became the scissors I used to personally set myself free.

This breakthrough made a lot of the people who were once around me very uncomfortable & angry.  I no longer could be easily controlled or taken advantage of, making them have to work harder or become meaner to gain control.  I began making my own decisions & choices that now went against the "family" norm putting me at drastic odds with the people I thought cared about me the most.  Watching & leaning this truth is when I discovered the ability about the power of letting go & cutting the energetic cords.

The law of physics & natures teaches us that you can not achieve a full cup of anything when you pour into a container that is cracked & leaking from damage.  Sometimes you must become selfish in your quest for self care to mend & heal the things that will end up taking on an emotional & physical life form all of its own when left uncared for.  In the end as hard as it may be, you do have the choice with your life, about your health, your environment & with your relationships.  Taking ownership & accountablility is the essential beginning thing you have full power over.  Peace Love Faith Hope

Updated Repost July 2017