The (UN)Mothers Of This Day
I was at the post office dropping off a parcel for a customer & the woman who always rings me up wished me a Happy Mothers day as we finished the transaction. I was walking away thanking her & quickly turned back around to ask if she herself was a mom, because truthfully you never know while wishing a woman Happy Mothers Day what the story is behind her feminine structure.
The other woman in line noticed my response, thanking me for being so mindfully aware of what this holiday might represent for another woman who is wished a happy mothers day. To blindly assume with a blanket statement that every female you encounter is a mother or has a mother to celebrate is well, naive. Dora, my post lady smiled back appreciating the wishes, for she herself is also a mother.
This got me thinking about how difficult it can be for so many people for so many different reasons, reflecting on my own personal experience with my mom & being a mother myself. Sometimes these types of holidays can even be a painful reminder for those who have lost a parent or for those who have lost a child, feeling orphaned when the world around is celebrating something you don't have.
Sometimes the dynamics within the family can also be a struggle with these kinds of gatherings, feeling like it's about having to put on a fake face & participate with fake people in fake conversations, talking about fake shit. The truth is most holidays like this one can bring up the things that trigger us the most, which is why I personally cant stand Mothers Day.
The idea of celebrating mothers has always been heartbreaking & annoying all in the same breath, being adopted to someone I couldn't ever bond with. Wanting to celebrate the mother I never knew secretly & the one I eventually had to cut all ties with makes this holiday very unappealing. I actually miss having a mother believe it or not, I just don't miss having the one who tried to destroy me. She fought to see me become hated & childless just like her.
Maybe its a generational family curse because I myself have struggled horribly with my own two daughters, feeling like they hated & abandoned me at various times in their lives. It's normal to have that typical adolescent bratty growing pain behavior in the relationship. However when there is extra influences with a component of highly narcissistic people & a nasty divorce, the dynamics of this otherwise beautiful mother/daughter relationship became strained & sometimes very tainted.
This role of mother was long contaminated before I ever arrived, having lifetimes of unhealed transferred generational family trauma that I was oblivious too. I know now that the backlash of these people wasn't personalized & said more about them as individuals than it ever said about me as a mom. It's no wonder that the insidious patterns of all the family behavior has played out repeatedly because no one up until me had the courage to establish any healthy boundaries.
I divorced twice as a very young mother, the last one behaving like a narcissistic peacock that was all show on the outside. I had spent married years being emotionally bullied & mentally abused that had left my spirit feeling dead on the inside. By moving on after my divorce, choosing to fulfill my own happiness I began to see & notice over time the small slight manipulative signs of trying to be erased. I suffered the consequence of my adult actions by being reprimanded at the expensive of my daughters.
It takes a village to raise children but what happens when the tainted mothers & village people begin to revolt, hating you for breaking away to walk another path. My new role triggered their own insecure, toxic, unhealed, unresolved anger & resentment issues that had plagued the families for generations, now eroding onto MY own daughters that I could no longer protect. I personally saw my mothering being violated & counter parented so many different times for parenting my children with what I believe are loving healthy boundaries, morals & values.
I essentially was punished for having different beliefs & finding love again, that was the opposite of the generational systemic sick narcissistic elemental values of all the families in this village. I watched & witnessed that abusive tribe behave like I was on witch trial while gently striking their match, tossing it into kindle that was neatly drenched & designed to burn me. I became the villain to my kids while they watched on holding the hands of the gloating elders.
I hated being a mother during these various difficult times of parenting when the shit would hit the fan, often times leaving me triggered by my own unhealed trauma. From the age of 4 onward, one daughter would tell me at ever tantrum we had together like clockwork that she wanted to live with her father, grooming her to believe that she didn't need me anymore because I wanted to divorce him. In the end this had little to do with me as a mother & more to do with his own abandoned upbringing, lack of self worth & insecurities while ignoring the overall wellbeing of his kid.
It was my third husband who witness all the abuse first hand & encouraged me to get some help. By choosing to deeply work on myself with the help of my healer & therapy over the years, I began to recognize my own PTSD behavior as a person & mother being raised by a narcissistic parent. This gave me the power to seek forgiveness within my own self, knowing I did the best I could with the level of awareness that I had.
The beauty of healing is that you can extend it by exposing your vulnerability which I did with my own daughters, acknowledging my lack of & owning my actions with remorse. My road to recovery wasn't just a journey done for me but for all the generations of women that came before & will come afterwards. I learned to depersonalize the temper of the tantrums done by other people, having more to do with their own projected unhealed traumatic narrative & less about me. .
These healthy boundaries has given me the ability to no longer feel the need to fight for any kind of residency as a mother that I once allowed to define me, knowing my own worth & value. While my journey of motherhood has been sacred, beautiful, fulfilling, bonding & special, it has also been some of the most hurtful painful empty lonely heartache moments I have ever encountered.
So while Mothers Day for many is full of admiration, appreciation, celebration, flowers, cards, gift, adoration, & love, there are just as many woman who feel this holiday is empty, hollow, hurtful, sad & meaningless. I always say, its wise to know your audience before you go ahead & assume that every female out there is or has a mother to celebrate. Peace Love Faith Hope
Written with love for those who struggle, like me. <3